My Life

Ok...soo I have been having issues lately...
It's time for a sob story...
First off I want to say that I am happy being alive, I enjoy the smallest, simplest things it has to offer, I see beauty in almost every and anything. But I AM NOT happy with the life I live... I wish I had the resources to make it better and ease the physical,mental,and emotional pain of not only my selfish self but the pain of others. I have yet to realize what my calling in life is and I feel as if time is slipping away from me and I am taking notice to it. In doing so, I have made the TERRIBLE decision to remain a child.
By saying that I mean I have tried to neglect all/every adult responsibility possible. well responsibility in general. By the looks of it I have become a 19 year old college dropout because I allowed myself to fall behind and become lazy and uncaring.
This is my time to confess and reflect about what I have/am done/doing and I blamed others for the mistakes I made and I am to say the least ultimately ashamed of myself.
I have no job and I am not looking hard enough. For every job I find and say to myself "oh that's good!" I find 8 negative reasons as to why I SHOULDN'T go for it.
I am disgusted with myself for talking bad about people who do as I am doing... Making myself seem more important or what have you then turning around to try and soften a blow by saying we are all the same we live we die and time doesn't wait for anyone.
Now here I am in physical pain and I cannot help my family the way I would like. Instead of becoming a provider I have become a burden to my family and myself.
I have no excuses except for ... My confession is I am now openly admitting to- that I am terrified. I am terrified of being an adult. I wish to hold on to my childhood, my innocence, my responsibility free life.
I am afraid I will forever be a failure and that if I fail even just once I will be the embarrassment of my entire family. I can no longer make decisions on my own. Instead I chose to leave and push that responsibility onto others leaving me free of any consequences should any arise.
I do realize that by not trying is my greatest failure but I also admit that I feel NO failure because it was my choice to not take a chance. It was my choice to FAIL.
It is a twisted reality I understand that now.
I have two sides within me that argue against each other EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY...I have thin undying want to be an adult and I want to take on those challenges of that life. Then there is the child side that cries and says NO I WON'T DO IT! Because she fails to realize that it's time. It's time to grow up.
I'm afraid that I will be too busy to experience life...life ITSELF...to taste foods unknown to smell mountain air to interact with different people of every culture in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. I am afraid that I will be what most people are...fooled into believing that life is orthodox and structured or that my life will unknowingly become that way.
I know it's not just about where you go what you see and do. But I don't want to be like my parents working till death, wishing it would pay off and getting beaten by life everyday or working at a job I detest only to be let go without a crutch to stand on and a full body cast.
Yet it seems that I have already helped myself into that situation. I do not know how I am going to get myself out. I do not know who to talk to and I am now choosing to ignore the problems. Thus causing an even greater negative response.
I don't really know where to start with my moving forward but I know that becoming an adult won't happen overnight. I am also asking for any help and guidance anybody has for me if anybody is reading this I am hoping by some crazy chance that someone will read this and give me advice because I'm scared my life will start to go downhill at a faster rate than I can catch. Anyway ending this post with something that seems to help me when I feel like I need to live up to standards set by society.
It does not matter how slow you go, so as long as you don't stop. -Confucius-